These are only a few ways to tell you’re really into Reptiles. Read our other submissions, then send us yours.
Send us your funny suggestions for how to tell when you’re really into Reptiles!
Send your funny one-liners to reptileeditor@i5publishing.com
If your submission is printed in the magazine, you will win $50 worth of Rep-Cal products!
You turn on the lightswitch in your room and you can’t tell its on because of all the reptiles’ lights.
You have to tell your frogs to stop barking more than your dog.
You try to lick your eyeballs like a gecko.
You put sticky stuff on your hands and feet so you can climb the walls like your Tokay Gecko.
You spend more time talking about what your reptiles did over the weekend than what you did.
You just bought a reptile and are looking for another.
You know every pet store within an hour of your house and which one has what.
You check the news to see if there have been any new species discovered before you check the news to see who won the Presidential Election.
You put aside a portion of your paycheck because you know there will be a new reptile product you will have to try.
The reptile’s light timers turn off and you have to go downstairs because there aren’t any other lights.
You see a cricket and you croak like a frog.
You buy your snake a rat but you refuse to buy your child a candy bar.
You no longer use lightbulbs for your own lamps, because your reptile lights are bright enough.
You ask your significant other to sit in the car’s back seat so your lizard can sit upfront with you.
You start to move slower as the temperature gets lower.
You catch a chill anytime the temperature is below 75 degrees Fahrenheit.
You always carry a bag and hook with you.
You like sitting on a big flat rock in the sun, “with” your monitor.
Your spouse doesn’t know that you keep a roach colony underneath your bed.
The only time you go shopping is when your herp needs more supplies.
You would rather decorate your reptile’s enclosure than your house.
Your son asks for a puppy but you recommend a ball python.
Your family whines because you won’t let them eat the lizard’s salad.
You rank grocery stores by the quality of the vegetables they carry.
You buy less frozen food for your family so all the frozen rodents will fit in the freezer.
Your in-laws know not to look in the bottom drawer of the freezer.
No one notices the frozen rat thawing on the counter.
You understand what the iguana wants by the look in its eyes.
You think that just about everything can be turned into a cage, cage furniture or feeding platform.
Your reptile cages are clean and spotless but the house is a total wreck.
Day dreams consist of snakes, turtles and lizards.
Your friend has a bug and rodent problem so they call you
You no longer think FaceBook is the best website because you’ve found ReptileChannel.com
Your herp has its own MySpace page and has more friends than you do
You try to lick your eyes like a crested gecko.
You decorate your room with plants and vines, then put your chameleon and red-eyed treefrog in it.
You assure visitors that you don’t have a “problem,” that it is just a member of your free-range roach colony. (They weren’t supposed to be able to breed!)
You must determine the species of every reptile you see in movies, TV shows and magazines.
You cannot go on a vacation without stopping at a pet store with reptiles, or else you will suffer from “reptile deprivation.”
You call your reptiles your babies, but not your kids.
You are afraid of getting bit by your child’s hampster, but being bit by a snake doesn’t phase you.
People commonly refer to you as “the crazy reptile lady” or “the crazy reptile guy.”
You wear a heart-shaped locket around your neck with pictures of your reptiles inside.
House guests will never come inside your house because of all of the reptiles.
You set your alarm clock for the midnight, so you can wake up and watch your reptiles at their time of day.
Your house and car have multiple reptile decorations.
You see a rabbit outside and you wonder if it would be small enough for your snake.
You are having a bad day and a friend can say the word “reptiles” and cheer you up.
You are a rich, well invested adult, but drive a beat up car, because all the money goes to the reptiles.
You get highly offended whenever someone says worms and snakes are the practically the exact same.
You buy your three-year-old nephew reptile books for his birthday.
It’s a compliment when people say your house is a zoo.
People pay to come in your house and see your reptiles instead of going to the city zoo.
Everyone else’s one-liners sound exactly like you!
You think your ancestors were lizard-people.
You design cages that protect the reptiles from the kids. (One of my reptiles is in a children’s clinic.)
You ask the kids not to sneeze or cough around the lizard because they might get the lizard sick.
You spend 3 hours a week chopping huge salad mixes, and are not a zoo.
The first thing you do when you get home from work is walk around to check in on each reptile, and you tell each one hello or ask how they are doing.
Your family no longer thinks you are weird for talking to reptiles.
You have a fan going in your bedroom, even in the middle of winter!
Your kid always brings YOU for show and tell.
You correct the pet shop salesperson, and end up talking about herps to several customers.
You spend more money feeding your feeder crickets and mealworms, than yourself.
It’s more entertaining to watch your leopard gecko hunt and eat crickets, than watching any show on TV.
You don’t need a ceiling light in your room because your reptiles UVB and heat lights are bright enough.
You spend more of your time on ReptileChannel learning about reptiles, than you do on MySpace.
You pour a bag of bark all over your bedroom floor and decorate with plastic plants.
Your iguana decides your waterbed is now its bed.
You have more pictures of reptiles on your computer than anything else.
You study reptiles more than you study for school.
You go to your freezer and you grab rat instead of Popsicle.
You watch your neighbors five rats while they’re on vacation, and to their surprise, they get back and find only three! I guess you forgot to mention you own snakes.
You find yourself taking baths with your turtles.
You let your green iguana sleep on the top bunk.
You love watching your lizard eat mealworms, but can’t understand why everyone else thinks it is disgusting.
You have boas and pythons as pets because you love to get big hugs.
Your room feels like a sauna because of all the heat lamps.
You pay more attention to your leopard gecko laying eggs than you do to your own wife giving birth.
You have to think twice when your spouse says, “It’s me or your reptiles!”
You can provide the supermarket cashier with the PLU codes for your lizard’s vegetables because you have all of them memorized.
You see a mouse or rat for sale and think, “Ooh, lunch!”
You only clean up your house when a herp has escaped.
You move out of your master bedroom so the herps can have bigger cages.
You fail to understand why everyone else doesn’t think a Satanic Leaf-Tailed Gecko is precious.
Your timers turn off and half the lights in the city automatically brighten.
You coo when your snake slurps a rat’s tail like spaghetti.
You spend hundreds of dollars on aquarium supplies, but have yet to buy a fish.
A mouse sitting in the kitchen isn’t alarming, just defrosting.
You take your gecko for a walk in the front yard on a leash.
You finish preparing a lovely salad for yourself and realize you’ve just dusted it with calcium powder, AGAIN, and give it to your iguana.
You’ve built custom iguana cages from scratch, but still refuse to fix the leg of the dining room table. Next Page>>
